Not Normal

I sit at my desk and wonder if any words will come to fill the page tonight.  Just one more exhausting day in a long string of exhausting days has come and gone, leaving me staring blankly at the monitor.  The police cruiser creeping through the parking lot reminds me that the early hours of the morning are passing.  Most normal folks are abed at this hour of the day.  Of those already under the blankets, a good proportion are probably sleeping soundly, perhaps even dreaming.  I used to envy them.  I have even attempted to be one of the normal ones, to no avail.

Over my years of life, I have come to realize that even though many go to bed and fall right into a restful sleep, there are also not just a few who, upon reclining on the mattress, suddenly find their minds alive with activity.  Like a TiVoed program, these unhappy people review the day’s activities in their heads, or remembering some family member or friend who is embroiled in a tough situation, play out hypothetical scenarios and conversations in their minds, believing that they somehow may be able to aid in a solution.  If and when they finally fall asleep, they will almost certainly awake with no memory whatsoever of the internal diorama which took place just a few short hours before.  And, for these folks, it will probably be just that, a few short hours of sleep.  The active mind is a fickle thing, opting for the most inopportune schedule possible.  I am, of course, describing my own experience as I speculate that since it is true for me, it surely happens to other people.  Perhaps not, but I like to think I’m not entirely alone in my odd schedule.  As much as I protest that I am happy being an original, I think that no one wishes to be entirely unaccompanied in their peculiarity.

Being odd is a lonely way of life, a path I think none of us would purposely choose to walk.  I know whereof I speak, having been somewhat of an oddball all my life.  Don’t laugh!  You know it’s true.  But, I’m not actually thinking of myself here.  I pause for a moment as I write, and I can still see him in my memory.  It was a perfect early summer evening and the beautiful young lady and I were not wasting a moment of it.  The old Chevy Nova was parked over by the basketball courts, as it often was, and we wandered down the concrete walk that meandered alongside the creek.  The frogs were in full voice on up the winding waterway (away from the humans), and the cicadas whirred noisily in the trees.  Not much took my attention away from the pretty red-headed girl at my side, but there were a couple of intrusions that I still remember vividly.  As we strolled along, arms around each other, a silver and maroon sedan eased down the road that ran alongside the park, tooting its horn loudly.  My brother and his wife knew we were in the park somewhere (the yellow Nova was hard to miss) and they weren’t going to pass up a chance to aggravate little brother and his sweetheart.

The second intrusion came in the form of a nearly inaudible ten-speed bicycle which sped toward us in the twilight.  We couldn’t see a face, since the rider never lifted his head from over the drop-handlebars, but the young man and his bicycle were both familiar to us.  As he approached, I raised my hand (the free one), and spoke briefly.  “Hi, Bobby!”  There was no reply, no head bob, not even the slightest sign of acknowledgement of my greeting.  Bobby (obviously, not his real name), you see, was a painfully shy young man.  He had gone through his schooldays silently; never speaking to his teachers unless absolutely necessary.  Even with the other children, he was reticent to speak, saving his words only for the people he knew well and trusted not to hurt him.  I wasn’t one of them, being a relative newcomer to the town at that time.  I was never very shy, but I knew what it was to be an outsider, not one of the popular crowd.  I determined that I wouldn’t stop being friendly and every time we would meet Bobby on his bicycle or on foot, head down and trying to stay unnoticed, I made a point of greeting him and asking how he was.  It would have been easier to ignore him.  No one would have blamed me.  Many who did ignore him, figured he was stuck-up; a snob who thought he was better than they.  He wasn’t and he didn’t.  I don’t remember there ever being much of a “break-through”; never an event that I could single out and mark as a turning point.  Over time, however, I started to hear a quiet, “Hi.” in reply.  I even saw his eyes a few times as he glanced my way.

Odd ways are seldom the conscious choice of the people who have them.  The hurt and loneliness that come along with the oddness usually compound the problems.  Harsh words and tormenting attitudes seal the deal, sometimes for life.  I don’t claim any big part in Bobby’s life, but it wasn’t too many years ago that we were sitting across from each other, talking about business.  We were involved in similar ventures and openly compared notes.  He trusted me.  I enjoyed our conversation, by this time of life, as comfortable and normal as any between two men who had known each other for many years.  It felt good.

I noticed that a friend took the time to write an encouraging post for her online acquaintances this evening.  “You were created in the likeness of Perfection. You are fearfully and wonderfully made…”  A respondent took the opportunity to blast a well-known political figure, saying that he “must have been exempt.”  The politician is one I don’t admire much, either.  Regardless of anyone’s feelings about his policies, the derogatory statement is wrong.  Not one of us is “exempt”.  We are, every one of us, fearfully and wonderfully made.  Some of us make choices (or have them forced upon us) which move us pretty far away from the ideal.  That doesn’t change who we are in the eyes of the One who created us.  It doesn’t change how we, the created, should view any other of His created beings.  Despite our differences, despite our oddities, each one of us is due the respect of our fellow man.

Sounds like this conservative old-timer is getting a little wishy-washy, huh?  Not really.  I still firmly believe the tenets I have claimed for many years.  But, those are exactly the same precepts that demand that I respect all people, whether I agree with them or not.  We’re cut from the same cloth, if you will.  We can have a conversation about right and wrong, even argue about semantics, but in the end, we are, every one of us, created in the likeness of our Creator.  Period.

I’ll keep my odd ways, thank you.  I hope you’ll still talk to me.  I’ll overlook your weirdness, too.  I’m pretty sure that normal is a lot rarer than we think, anyway.

“When I was young, I was considered a rugged individualist.  When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric.  Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I’m labeled senile.”
(George Burns~American comedian and actor~1896-1996)

“‘Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man…?’
The expert in the law replied, ‘The one who had mercy on him.’
Jesus told him, ‘Go and do likewise.'”
(Luke 10:36,37)

Gifts?

The message on the screen reads, “Low Battery”.  I have seen it many times before.  Each night, the iPhone goes on the bedside cradle at the same time I slide between the covers.  While I recharge, it does also.  The only problem is that frequently, it runs out of juice before I do.  I have placed too many demands on it; texting, talking, perhaps even playing a game or two while waiting for an appointment.  If I ignore the writing on the wall, or screen, if you will, I do so at my own peril.  Soon, the screen will light up one final time with a warning and then it goes black; refusing to respond again until I give it a period of rest, positioned on the recharging station from which it draws its sustenance.  I couldn’t always tell you why the message appears.  There have been a few days when I don’t remember utilizing the features of the handy little pocket computer all that much.  Other days, I’m amazed at the tasks with which it assists me before I see the reminder that a season of hibernation is in order.  The funny thing is that physically, I operate in a similar fashion.  Oh, there’s no warning notice that anyone can see, but occasionally, the Lovely Lady will make a remark that leads me to believe that she recognizes the final stages of daily exhaustion.  This very evening, as she headed for bed, she suggested that it really wasn’t compulsory for me to post a new blog tonight, a clear message if ever there was one that she knew I needed to hibernate.  A busy morning and an extra hour or two with the grandchildren this afternoon may have played a part in my rundown condition.  I think I’ll take her advice.  Soon.

Events of this weekend have taken their toll emotionally, too.  Like many, I am saddened at the news of the death of the extremely gifted vocalist, Whitney Houston.  Her talent was amazing, with an incredible voice and the ability to move her audience in a way that is rarely seen.  Her story is all too familiar; lack of personal discipline, drug use, abusive relationships, all leading to a downward spiral.   Today, I listened to a few of her old recordings and read more than a few opinions about her passing expressed in the social media.  I’m not sure that I can reason out a lucid and thoughtful opinion of my own, but I do remember writing a post a few months ago about this very thing.  Well, it certainly touched on this issue, although not with any specificity to the artist.  It seems that maybe my “low battery” and my emotional state are coinciding tonight for another encore presentation.  I hope you won’t hold it against me.  I promise a few more original posts later in the week.

“Heavy, Hangs Over My Head”
 
As I was pondering how best to entertain you today, my mind ran through another recent conversation I had with Andrew.  This young man has become quite a musician, finding himself playing a number of “gigs” of late, both by himself and with other, older players.  He has been initiated into the world of performing and so, we talked a bit about the consequences of entering that world.  Over the many years I have performed and talked with others who perform, I have come to a conclusion about performing and performers.  I wondered if this young, un-jaded musician had any thoughts on the matter, only to find that he had come to almost the exact conclusion that I have.  It took me fifty years to puzzle it out, while he has a firm handle on it, being still in his teens.  I must be a really slow study.

Our conclusion?  Performers thrive on attention, perhaps more to the point, on approval.  That’s not really news.  The intriguing (and sometimes sad) part of it is that as we perform, we need more and more of it.  I would describe it as much like a drug, which offers a sense of euphoria, a “high” if you will.  The first few times you perform, the acclaim and the positive reinforcement is stunning.  The feeling cannot be understood until you’ve experienced it.  The sense of accomplishment, of triumph, is palpable.  The next time it happens, the same feeling takes control, and the next time, and the next.  Over an extended period though, something happens.  Actually two things.  The folks who encouraged and slapped you on the back early in the game, now have elevated expectations.  You wowed them for a little while, now they anticipate improvement, with you stretching to a new level as a performer.  The “atta boys” don’t fall from their lips as easily because they sense a need in their being for something bigger and better.  The second thing that happens is that for the performer, the same level of approval isn’t enough either.  We need more…more acclaim, more excitement, more widespread approval.  It’s a vicious circle, drawing both performer and audience into its snare. 

You don’t need the depressing litany of the names of performers…artists…authors…stars, who have succumbed to the demands of the public and, eventually failing to measure up, chosen to find their fulfillment in drugs, liquor, and even self-inflicted death.  The list grows longer daily, and we demand more and clamor for better, all the while tossing aside the gifted human beings who have failed to satisfy our lust for entertainment.  Gifted, did I call them?  How did a horrible affliction like that come to be called a gift?  Is it not rather a great burden instead?

What’s that you say?  Depressing subject?  Oh yes!  I did say I was going to entertain you, didn’t I?  But, therein lies the problem.  What I mean to say is that, at times I see myself here as a performer, providing entertainment for the reward of your acclaim.  But, as I’m reminded (and have reminded you today) of the heavy cost of this mindset, I also realize that, as the Lovely Lady suggested gently to me recently, I don’t write this blog for you.  I write it because I need to – for me, and more to the point, for my Creator.   I don’t mean to be presumptuous.  It’s not my intent to say that God called me to write.  What I do know is that He calls each one of us to do everything, every single thing we do, to the best of our ability and to do it for Him. 

Do you sing? Paint?  Wash windows?  Sell used cars?  Play alternative rock guitar?  Teach?  Fill in the blank yourself.  What you do is important to your Audience.  No, not that audience that demands and screams your name, only to forget you when you can’t wow them anymore.  Our Audience of One knows us, knows our weaknesses and still is well pleased with what we offer.  I’m pretty sure that when we get our priorities straight, that other audience will still be there too.  Only, this time, our performance isn’t dependent on their reciprocation…just on sharing our gifts.  Oh yes…they are indeed gifts, and not burdens. 

So, no pressure…but, I think you’re up next on stage.  Break a Leg!

“Come to me if you’re weary and burdened.  I’ll give you rest…My yoke is easy, my burden,light.”
(Matthew 11: 28, 30)

“Work while you have the light.  You are responsible for the talent that has been entrusted to you.”
Henry Frederic Amiel~Swiss writer~1821-1881)

When Good Enough Isn’t

“More spot-putty…”  Those hated words came easily to my brother-in-law’s tongue, but fell on my ears like a school-days’ detention sentence, signaling the beginning of an extended stretch in the miscreant’s study hall.  I knew we were in for more drudgery, more physical labor, and more delays.  And, to be quite honest, I wasn’t feeling up to the task.  I have said many times that I’m basically lazy and I constantly try to prove it, but it seems that someone is always holding my nose to the grindstone.  And so it was again.  We were reviving the old Chevy, pulling it from the brink of annihilation, but we had been at the job for many evenings and weekends, hours and hours of labor, and I was tired.  To my eye, the body panels were straight.  Certainly when compared to their previous state, they were perfection incarnate.  At least, that was my take on the subject, but my brother-in-law didn’t see it that way.

Perfectionists are a pain.  They are never quite satisfied, never happy with the result, always looking for one more tiny imperfection with which to find fault.  I had had it with my persecutor’s nit-picking and the words burst out without my permission.  “As far as I can tell, it’s perfect.  It’s my car and I’m ready to get it painted.  It’s good enough!”  It has been many years since this event took place, but I’ll never forget the reply.  “No.  It may be your car, but when you drive it around town, it’s going to have my name on it.  It’s right when I say it’s right.”  As much as I hated to admit it, the man had a point.  We started mixing more spot putty to level the tiny imperfections only he could see.  As I look back, I’m still astounded at his patience and attention to detail and my own inability to see the importance of the minutiae when it came to the finished product.

 My Grandpa’s old car, a rust-bucket if ever there was one, became once more a beautiful piece of machinery, little thanks to me.  The automobile is not with us anymore, having succumbed to time and an era when cash was not readily available for making necessary mechanical repairs, but the memory of the years we enjoyed it lives on.

When I think of that car and my learning experience as we toiled on it, I realize that the precept I gleaned that day has stayed with me.  Most of the time now, I’m reluctant to allow repair jobs to leave my business without being perfectly satisfied with them first.  I no longer am quick to say, “That’s good enough.”  Instead, I find myself examining the rest of the instrument, adjusting the string level, setting the harmonics, even polishing the finish, when all I’ve been hired to do is replace the strings.  “My name is going to be on it,” is my standard response to the urging to hurry up and finish the job.  The owner may tell their friends that I worked on that instrument and I want it to reflect my principles.  There is no such thing as “good enough.”  There is only a finished job or an unfinished job.  It’s not true in all areas of my life, but I’m doing my best to make it that way.

There have been other examples, not so commendable, of this precept which have also aided in the learning experience.  At one time, before I owned the music store, we had an itinerant instrument repairman who would come by the shop one afternoon every two weeks to take care of any jobs we needed to have done.  Doc didn’t have what you would call finesse, bending keys mercilessly to make adjustments, forcing screws into sockets with different thread patterns, and making some of the messiest-looking solder joints I have ever seen.  Oh, the instruments played when he got through…they didn’t dare not play!  But, this method of making things work, sans craftsmanship, earned him a bad reputation, especially within the music repair business.  I remember being in a different repair shop one day with two of the technicians talking about a certain clarinet.  “Doc has been working on this one,” said the one.  “Oh, how can you tell?”  queried the other.  “Well, the chain saw marks are still on it!”  came the not-quite tongue-in-cheek reply.  Evidently, “That’s good enough” actually isn’t when it comes to a reputation for excellence.

I have to admit that sometimes I feel like my old car, though.  I’m going along contentedly, confident that I’ve learned life’s lessons and am accomplishing things in the proper manner, but still, I keep getting scraped and sanded, holes being filled with spot putty, and more sandpaper being used.  Somehow, I’m imagining that God is saying, “My Name’s on this one.  It’ll have to be better than this…”  The process isn’t always comfortable and I certainly would like for the paint to go on soon, but I have a feeling that the shiny, finished product is still quite some time off.  The old saying is certainly true in my case.  God’s not finished with me yet. 

“More spot-putty…”

“The price of excellence is discipline.  The cost of mediocrity is disappointment.”
(William Arthur Ward~American educator and motivational speaker~1921-1994)

“Being confident of this: He who began the good work in you will be faithful to complete it.”
(Philippians 1:6)

Questions Without Answers

“I want answers and I want them NOW!”  My father was holding the rusted sledge hammer with a splintered handle in his hand.  I’m pretty sure there were more than a few times when one of the questions he needed answered was, “What in the world possessed me to have five kids?”  This time however, he just wanted to know who the culprit was.  The hammer had been found, tossed into an old utility trailer, seldom used, that sat near the far side of our property.  I was quick to answer the implied question.  “It wasn’t me!” (It is usually the guilty party that speaks first!)  Unfortunately, there was a witness.  When Dad wanted answers (NOW!), no secret was safe.  It was a pretty sure bet that anyone with information would break before too long, and as he went up the line of my brothers, sure enough, one of them had information he was quite willing to share.  “I saw Paul out there with that hammer the other day, right beside the trailer.”  The interrogator’s attention immediately returned to the youngest boy there.  “Is that true, son?”  Well, I was no match for that look…or the accusatory voice.  “Y-y-y-yes…”  The punishment that followed was for both lying, and trying to hide the broken tool, not for breaking the handle. That didn’t make it hurt any less.

Every once in awhile, I myself have a few questions to voice.  The questions are followed up with the same statement my Dad made that day.  “I want answers and I want them NOW!”  Unlike Dad, I don’t always get them.  Perhaps, that’s because I don’t have the authority that he had in that situation.  It isn’t my right to know the answers now.  All I know is that I don’t like not being in control, not having a clue to the reasons that things happen.

For some reason, I have been deluged the last few weeks, and especially in the last few days, with memories of friends and family who are no longer with me.  For most of my life, I have taken death quite matter-of-factly.  After all, the Book says, “It is appointed to man, once to die…”  How much clearer could it be?  So people have died, I have said the right things, and pigeonholed the occurrence and even the emotions.  Over and done.  Problem is, the older I get, the more I realize what has been lost and the more I feel that loss.  I sense the holes which have been left and I realize that nothing will ever fill them.  Even when friends I hadn’t seen for years have died, the hole was left.  It’s not only the young ones I’m talking about, either.  All of them, young and old, have been part of my life and their absence is felt keenly.

T Ray Dickinson (with thanks to Chris Clendenen)

The recent deluge of memories has been motivated in part by friends who are in pain.  The birthday of an old schoolmate yesterday reminded one of her close friends (another schoolmate) that she missed Dorothy intensely.  Yesterday, a blog post by a friend who has struggled for well over a year with the untimely death of one of her best friends served to remind me of just how helpless we are in the face of unanswerable questions; questions for which we demand answers; questions for which no answer will ever come.  A chance photo posted last night of an old friend, who died too young quite a few years ago, brought to mind how much I have missed T Ray and his sense of humor, as well as his love of music.  The list goes on: Susie, Bill, Miss Peggy, my Father-in-law, my grandparents.  Curtis thinks about his son who would have had a birthday this week, now gone for over two years; Wade is lying awake tonight missing his dad who passed away only today.  You, no doubt, have scores of names and faces to add to the list.  And still, my demands don’t evoke any answers. 

It’s not just the passing of loved ones I want explained to me, I want answers about people who are still with us, but who are struggling under massive burdens.  Kim is going through chemo and soon, surgery for breast cancer…Mom doesn’t remember that I visited her a couple of weeks ago and has even forgotten most of the events from my childhood.  John is slowly losing his eyesight and can’t see to work with his hands any more or even to read.  I can’t begin to enumerate the people and trials that belong in this list.  I want to know.  How are any of these things okay, and why are they happening to these good people?

It is in times like these, the times when my mind and emotions run uncontrolled through the past and then dwell unreasonably on the future, wondering if anything will be right with the world ever again, that I am grateful for faith.  Not faith in what I can see…that has failed me miserably.  I can only rest in the strong, loving hands of a Creator who sees the whole picture and not just the tiny little piece of eternity I can view from my vantage point.  He knows that the fabric of eternity is being woven, and sorrow is part of it.  Joy is too.  Life, death, tragedy, celebration…all of them play their roles.  It doesn’t answer the questions, but there is comfort to be found.  When confronted with the death of his close friend Lazarus, Jesus himself wept and was moved deeply.  When He was asked to remove the physical infirmity of the Apostle, God reassured him.  “My grace is enough.”  Our Maker feels the pain, just as we do.  He is moved.  And, one day, He will dry our tears.

Marvin Eck (another one I miss), the pastor who married the Lovely Lady and me, always maintained that we would still cry when we arrived in Heaven, but he also believed that after that, the questions would be answered and our tears would be wiped away, never to appear again in eternity.  I wish I knew if he was right.  He’s finding that out now for himself.  

So, unlike the result my Dad got, the answers will not be forthcoming for me today.  No retribution will be made to right the wrongs.  Generally, things will have to continue as they have…for awhile longer.  I’m sorry that I can’t explain; sorry that I can’t pat your hand and say, “There, there, everything is going to be all right.”  Yet.

We have hope.  And that, for now, will have to do.

“Jesus wept.”
(John 11:35)

“Oh yes, He cares; I know He cares.
His heart is touched with my grief.
When the days are weary, the long nights dreary,
I know my Savior cares.”
(“Does Jesus Care” by  Frank E Graeff)

Still Feeling Groovy

“I’d like to get three accompaniment tracks, please.  The last time, you sent me those new compact discs, though.  I need cassette tapes.”  The voice speaking to me on the telephone was obviously that of a mature woman, probably in her sixties.  I patiently explained to her that cassettes were no longer available, so she would need to buy the CDs and transfer them to cassette if that’s all she was able to use.  In spite of the fact that prerecorded cassettes have been unavailable for at least four or five years, we still get requests like this frequently.

Over the last few years, approaching my senior years myself, I have contemplated this phenomenon any number of times.  The lady described above is a Baby Boomer, as am I.  We were the hip generation, the in crowd!  We were never going to be like our parents, those old geezers.  As groovy chicks and dudes, there was no way we were going to be caught dead over thirty, in square threads, investing our dough in the Man’s system, and handing out downer lingo like, “We’ve never done it like that,” or “When I was your age…”. 

Now admittedly, not all of us in the Boomer generation were hippies, spouting the “make love, not war” mantra, and putting flowers in the barrels of the soldier’s guns.  The great majority of us were more conformist than otherwise, but the universal thought was that we would be “forever young”. Even now, I can hear the whining voice of Bob Dylan, along with the cheesy vibrato of the Hammond B3, as he invokes the blessing of the epoch, “May you stay Forever Young…”  When did we get to be old like our parents, stuck in the past, drawing imaginary lines in the sand over which we will not cross?  It happens to each generation in its turn, it would seem.

I readily admit to a love of nostalgia.  Recently, a friend sent me the text of a radio story about a museum for eight-track tapes.  I was immediately eighteen again, tooling along in my brand new 1976 Chevy Nova, with the stereo I had installed myself.  Radio?  Pah!  We listened to what we selected ourselves, on our extremely portable and wonderfully ill-conceived eight-tracks.  I realize “wonderful” and “ill-conceived” seem to be paradoxical, but that’s how I view the technology, in retrospect.  These tapes were a hodge-podge of genius and idiocy, held together by a generous dash of creativity.  The genius was the idea to use a movable head to read the information on the tape, its downfall the inability to keep the head in alignment, often resulting in double tracking (two songs playing at once).  It was genius to use a continuous tape, but idiocy to loop it in a circle that frequently tightened up on itself, making the music drag as if you had slowed a forty-five rpm record to thirty-three rpm.  Oops, sorry! Another reference to an obsolete technology.  Anyway, let’s just say the idea of the eight-track was brilliant in its concept, but completely impractical in its application.  We bought them by the thousands.

There are innumerable other obsolete gadgets which have come and gone in my lifetime.  The same could be said of my parent’s lifespan and of their parent’s era.  For some reason though, we form attachments to the familiar, the once useful accessories, and we don’t want to let them go even when they are replaced by superior technology.  Our parents did the same thing, as did our grandparents before them.

I’ve said it here before; I want to keep learning as long as I live.  That doesn’t mean that I won’t turn my nose up at a few non-essential inventions.  Right now, the e-book comes to mind, although I may embrace that idea one day.  But, I want to keep an open mind and a lively imagination that grasps new ideas and exciting developments for as long as I’m able to concentrate for more than a few minutes at a time.  All of my life has been played out in an exciting era of innovation and discovery, with no period more so than right now.   What a shame it would be to miss out on it, just because I decided to get old.

I do still have a small collection of 8-track tapes squirreled away just in case they ever get popular again.  You never know…Hey! bell-bottoms and tie-dyed shirts came back…

“The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under the sun.”
(Ecclesiastes 1:9)

“I could not, at any age, be content to take my place in a corner by the fireside and simply look on.”
(Eleanor Roosevelt~First Lady of the United States~1884-1962)

Originally posted 2/25/2011

Ooh, Pretty!

It was a young boy’s dream.  Probably about ten years old, it was the first time I had been allowed to wander around the fairgrounds without an adult.  Oh, there was an older brother, but with three of them in the family, that wasn’t anything unusual.  Besides that, we didn’t slow each other down any.  Any trouble one got into, the other was bound to be up to the challenge of.  No, the real difference this year was that for an hour or two, we were free to wander on our own, without being held back by parents.  They wanted to go see the cows, and goats, and chickens, for crying out loud!  Every year the Livestock Show, the local equivalent of the County Fair, was set up in a neighboring town and we went…to see the livestock.  Not this year, buddy!  That was for the old people.  We were headed to the “Midway”!

I had a few dollars burning a hole in my pocket and it was a pretty sure bet that I would find someplace to spend them.  That was an understatement!  As we left the exhibition part of the show and started past the booths and rides, we were immediately assaulted with the noises and visual sights.  Confusion reigned.  Here was the booth where you could test your shooting skills.  “Hit the ducks and win a prize!”  called the pitchman.  As I hesitated, he lifted up one of the rifles to shove into my hands, but just a few feet away, the fellow selling chances at tossing the pennies onto the plates took up the cry.  “Just one penny on a plate is all it takes!”  Every time I wavered, another voice joined the chorus, confusing matters even more.  I really hadn’t planned to stop at any of these booths.  I wanted to ride the Matterhorn, with it’s loud rock music and flashing lights.  But, it was on the other end of the Midway and to get to the goal, I had to wander past all the “games of skill”.  To a young boy, they were ripe for the picking.  Of course, I could hit the ducks!  Without question, I could toss a coin onto a plate.  Balloons to be hit with a dart?  No problem!  My head spun with the possibilities.  What to choose?

We did make our way to the Matterhorn ride, after not much more than fifteen minutes in the pandemonium.  Once there, I stood and watched as my brother and a lot of other kids boarded the ride.  The music blared…the lights flashed…the cars swung and tilted as the ride spun around and around.  Up the incline, then down…faster and faster the ride went as the kids screamed and laughed.  As for me…I stood and watched, my pockets empty of the price of admission to the wonderful adventure.  In just those few minutes, as we made our way from the exhibits to the other end of the Midway, I had heeded every possible tempting challenge made by the carnival workers.  As I said, my head was spinning and the allure of their spiels was more than this young boy could resist.  They were experts in their craft; their assignment, the emptying of pockets of unsuspecting rubes like me.  Their job done, they turned their attention to the next victims who still had a dollar or two burning a hole in their pockets and I was left to watch other, wiser folks revel in the sensations of the scintillating ride.  “How could this have happened to me?” was the only confused thought in my mind, besides the disappointment that only a ten-year old boy could feel.

Just over a week ago, the fifty-four old version of that ten-year old took a trip out to California.  I was on my way to another carnival, but this was for business purposes.  This carnival goes by the name of “The NAMM Show”, the annual equivalent in the music business of the County Fair.  I had good intentions of how I would use my time as I wandered leisurely through the show, stopping to see the new products and talking with company representatives.  I would take notes and acquire new contacts; networking to maximize the reach of my business.  When I left, the success of the business would be guaranteed for at least the next year, due to a successful venture into the land of the trade show.  I can only report that the result was less than spectacular.

The show boasts well over one thousand exhibitors, each one with a product to sell.  Since it is a music show, most of the products make noise.  And, noise they did make.  The longer I was there, the louder the volume rose.  Initially, I made a few good contacts.  I have the business cards to show for it.  I even have some literature from the first several stops I made.  I’m still not sure what happened for the rest of the day.  About seven hours after I entered the hall, I exited with a splitting headache.  I was actually physically dizzy.  The noise level and the sales pitches all run together in my head.  One amplifier company after another with ear-splitting levels of music; one guitar company after another with heavy-metal artists who were all searching for eleven on volume dials that only go to ten, scantily clad models slapping brochures (with pictures of more scantily clad models printed on them) into your hand…it all runs together.  After I finally found my way out of the crowd and to the parking lot, I sat in my rental car for ten minutes before I could be confident of being able to drive safely to my motel.  Once there, I collapsed, exhausted.

It becomes clear to me as I consider the world in which we pass our lives, that we live in a great big carnival, surrounded by confusion and noise.  Throughout our lives, it is easy to be distracted from our purpose, to have our attention diverted from the business at hand.  Every step we take, someone is hawking their product.  Every time we turn a corner, the eye is drawn to a bigger and better activity.  The noise is deafening, the visual assault on the senses, almost irresistible.  I find that frequently, as I sit and consider what I have accomplished in life, I realize that almost nothing has come to fruition; few of my goals realized.  It is easy to be drawn off the long path to our destination, when we are bedazzled by the glitz, by the sheen of the attractive options available to us, right here and right now.

I remember a parable, now familiar to many of you, offered by one of my teachers many years ago.  The story is told about a young man who wants to be a farmer, and mounting to the seat of the tractor, he begins to do the easiest task he can think of…plowing the sod.  Arriving at the end of the row, he turns the tractor around, only to see the most crooked, wandering furrow he has ever seen.  The old farmer, to whom he wouldn’t listen before, offers just one piece of advice.  “Don’t look at the front of the tractor, young man,”  he recommends.  “Pick a fence post in the distance beyond the field you are in.  Head for that, never looking down or around you.  You’ll do fine.”  Sure enough, raising his eyes beyond his present position, he takes off again and, as he reaches the turn-around spot this time, he sees behind him a perfectly straight furrow.

A simple tale, but one we seem to forget, caught up in the present.  Noise, sights, fads, and people…all of these contribute to a crooked path through life.  We need a Point on which to focus, a North Star by which to navigate, or we are lost and our lives wasted in pursuit of first one inconsequential goal, then another.  I’d like to get to the end of my time on this earthen sphere and be able to look back, to see a straight line where I’ve traveled.

I’ve had the Point of focus picked out for many years.  Now if I can just keep my eyes on the goal.  I’m hoping there’s still time to straighten up the furrow.

“Set your course by the stars, not by the lights of every passing ship.”
(Omar Bradley~American Army general W.W. II ~1893-1981)

 
“…But, this one thing I do:  Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize…”
(Philippians 3:13,14)

Did You Just Call Me a Pantywaist?

Sometimes I sit at the keyboard, move my fingers and the words just flow.  Other times, like tonight, there’s a struggle.  Oh, I have no shortage of stories; those go on forever.  I have lived over a half century, you know.  The problem is that I’m not ready to tell some of the stories for different reasons.  Some entail a lot more embarrassment than I’m ready to reveal, others seem too trivial to waste time with.  They’ll probably all come in time, but I need to be ready for them to come.

What to do?  Do I just close the program and go home?  It seems to me that it would be simpler to just write less often.  The Lovely Lady has given her permission.  “You don’t have to write everyday, you know,” she told me as I left the house earlier.  The day will come when I’ll take that advice, but for now, I want to persevere.  It took me such a long time to get up the courage to start that I’m worried I’ll falter soon and quit for lack of motivation or in discouragement.

I have been a quitter, you know…When I was quite young, our neighbors would invite us to go to the tomato fields and pick with them.  I agreed one day and rode the big flat bed truck out to the field…only to ride it back the first time it returned to the processing plant.  I had assumed that the day would be a lark, nothing more than an easy few hours of picking in the garden.  Boy, was I mistaken!  Suffice it to say that I was embarrassed by kids half my age and adults who looked so old that decrepit wouldn’t be a stretch to describe their physical prowess.  When I heard that the truck was coming back to town, I was climbing on in a minute, without a second thought.  Let them say whatever they wanted to…I was done!

A few years later, this time at about 13 or 14 years old, these same neighbors (who must have been a little forgetful) invited me to work with them in their concrete finishing business.  I made it a little longer this time, actually sticking out the job for 4 days.  Setting forms, cleaning concrete-covered tools, and digging trenches by hand in the nearly 100 degree heat and through the dry, sun-blasted soil, was incredibly tiring work, but by the third day, the sunburn I had started accumulating the first day was blistered and the motion necessary to do my work was not only exhausting, but also excruciating. So, once again I quit, walking home this time.

The list of things I have tried and quit abruptly includes not only a job or two, but various clubs, sports, and even a correspondence school.  I’m good at leaving things unfinished. A close examination of my workbench today will reveal at least 4 unfinished jobs, which may never be resumed.  Sometimes when we start things, we don’t count the cost, we don’t consider what the task really entails.  Then when we hit the brick walls, and it happens invariably, we “reassess”.  That’s what I like to call it anyway.  It sounds better than “waffle” or “renege”.  My mom had a colorful name for people like me, probably a bit politically incorrect.  She would say, “Oh, don’t be such a pantywaist!”  Well, when the going gets tough, the wimpy get going…the other way!

I will tell you proudly of my triumphs, although a closer examination of  them will demonstrate the influence of someone other than myself, a blessed marriage made easy by an amazing partner, a long term involvement in the same church, facilitated by fellowship with some of the best people I know, and my business, in which I have been motivated by enjoyment as much as by necessity.  God has been good and well I know it!  When I find myself disappointed by my shortcomings and failures, and they are many, I have only to look at His goodness and faithfulness to find encouragement and the stimulus to keep pushing forward.

The past is our school, providing us the tools to struggle back to our feet and get it right the next time.  Our whole life is a picture of grace and redemption, with second chances being the rule rather than the exception.  So, quit being a pantywaist and get going…in the right direction!  You’re surrounded by failures who kept at it until they achieved success.  Your turn is next!

“Age wrinkles the body.  Quitting wrinkles the soul.”
(Douglas MacArthur)

See Through

Mailboxes.  I’m sometimes not sure if I like them or not.  When I was a kid, I always vied to be the first to get to ours after the postman headed on down the street.  I don’t know why, since I rarely got any mail myself.  Perhaps, not being sure if there would be something good in there was enough to prompt the rivalry with my siblings.  Hope springs eternal, you know.  I also remember one surreptitious nighttime trip down the street, around two or three in the morning, when we diabolically raised the flags on all the boxes in the neighborhood, imagining the frustration of the postman the next day, as he stopped at every single one of them to check for outgoing mail.  I only admit this, knowing that the statute of limitations has run out many years ago, and I won’t have to worry about the federal authorities knocking on my door to “ask a few questions”.

Later, as a young newlywed, I would dutifully (at the behest of the Postal Service) move the mailbox, post and all, from the street which backed up to our little house to the one in front of it.  New to the topography of this beautiful little town in the foothills of the Ozarks, I was surprised at the rocks which surrounded the post as I freed it from the original location.  I remarked to the Lovely Lady that it was smart of the folks who had installed it to use those rocks to hold it securely in place, little knowing the task which awaited me as I attempted to bore a hole at the new location.  The shovel was useless, as was a posthole digger I borrowed.  It wasn’t until I acquired a solid steel bar designed for demolishing the pesky rocks that I made any progress and finished the job.  The bar weighed about 15 pounds and I think I may have impressed my young bride with my physique as I worked.  Or not.  I also learned a never-forgotten lesson about the Arkansas soil and the rocks which actually seem to grow here about as quickly as the grass itself.

I’ve told you about an embarrassing encounter with a Postal worker, when I was frustrated and angry, another of my unhappy memories in dealing with mailboxes.  The argument was about the proposed location for the box at the home to which we were moving.  There’s no point in going into that again, but I guess you could say the road in my relationships with mailboxes hasn’t been all smooth.  There was one, though…

I saw the new owner of the house across the street taking it down from it’s place next to the front door.  I had admired it for several years and I wondered what he intended to do with it.  Needless to say, at the end of the conversation, it was mine.  Now, I didn’t know what I was going to do with it, but it went into a closet to await it’s next opportunity to serve.  The wait wasn’t long.  We moved to the big Victorian two-story house within a year and stayed there for over eighteen years.  There was a perfect spot for the unusual mailbox beside the front door…and at this address, the mail was delivered right to our door!  The clear glass container was certainly a conversation piece.  The description was stamped right on the face.  “Visible Mail”.  What a great idea!  No more going to the mailbox, wondering if it was worth opening the door.  There was no mystery to the process.  You knew you had mail and opened it, or you knew there was none and went on in without stopping.  Of course, visitors to your home would also see the mail and could have food for thought as they waited for you to answer the door.  You hoped there was none marked “Final Notice” for them to contemplate.  And, it could be a little uncomfortable when a family member came to visit and noticed a letter from a relative who never wrote to them at all.  Overall though, the idea of visible mail is one which made a lot of sense.  I really loved that transparent container.

We no longer use the box, since there is no delivery to the door where we live now.  It sits, dejected, in a cupboard awaiting re-purposing once again, just as it did for those few months so many years ago.  I thought of the great little receptacle as I spoke with a friend today.  But, more came to my mind than just the aesthetic beauty, or even the happy memory of using it for all those years as we raised our children in that drafty old house.

I’m realizing more and more, as time passes, that we ourselves are a lot like mailboxes.  Inside of these receptacles of ours are messages which are important for folks around us to receive.  They are messages which have come to us from elsewhere; messages of love, of support, of correction, and even of reproach.  We have a responsibility to communicate these messages.  Our families crave them; our friends need them; our communities will falter without them.  It’s how we grow and mature; how we build relationships and teach our children.  The problem is, the messages are in closed boxes, with no indication whether they’re really inside or not.  We are not transparent, not even translucent, most of the time.  The intended receivers of the communications never know that there is anything for them to hear, or see, or learn.

We listen to the news and hear about “transparency” in politics, in government, in organizations.  Yet, we are not transparent ourselves, even in our personal lives.  We are closed boxes sitting next to closed boxes; all with undelivered messages inside.  I’m thinking that I’m about ready to put a message or two in the “Visible Mailbox” again, because I think there may be a few things I can help with.  I bet you’ve got some messages that I need, as well.   

Check the box when you get home.  You’ll see…

“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”
(Proverbs 27:17)

“Those who are absent, by its means become present:  It (mail) is the consolation of life.”
(Voltaire~French philosopher~1694-1778)

This Is Not Nuclear Science!

“What exactly am I being accused of…other than surviving a nuculer explosion?”  The words came out of Indiana Jones’ mouth, just as if he hadn’t made a fatal error in pronunciation.  I was delighted.  Our old action hero had just ridden out an atomic test blast inside of a lead-lined refrigerator in a scene which even the Mythbusters would find implausible without the need to attempt a re-enaction.  My delight comes from the other implausible sequence of interactions and conversations I have had today about just this word, “nuclear”.  As we sat in our little sanctuary, the Lovely Lady and I looked at each other and laughed.  And, just like that, it was fated that you should read a few of my thoughts about our language and maybe even society in general today.  Try not to act too bored…

I awoke this morning, as I frequently do, to a quip from a generally amusing and always witty “word nerd” on my smartphone.  He opined that there were numerous words in the English language which were difficult to pronounce, but that “nuclear” was not one of them.  The word was “noo-klee-err”, not “noo-kyoo-lerr”.  The responses from all the other word nerds, myself among them, were almost exclusively in support of his position and many pointed out an individual or two who misused the word continuously.  You can imagine that the conversation turned ugly and political fairly quickly.  The consensus was that anyone who used such an obvious mispronunciation could only be ignorant and foolish.  The venom engendered by the simple statement of correct pronunciation was surprising.  It should not have been.  I, myself, am an avowed “stickler” for proper usage of the language, inclusive of grammar, pronunciation, and punctuation.  My children will assure you that, as they matured, indiscretions during conversations were almost certain to give rise to correction, complete with sermons on the importance of the language in communication.  Tonight, I repent in sackcloth and ashes.

It was a busy day, but not so busy that my mind didn’t have time to ruminate on the early morning lesson.  In the dotage of my old age, I seem to be growing soft.  I argued with myself about the need to keep the language pure, the profit of an undiluted vocabulary.  I simply couldn’t escape the undeniable truth that we have never known such a language.  That’s because there has never been such a language.  All language is, of necessity, an evolving mode of communication, nothing more, nothing less.  One is not ignorant because they use it differently than we do.  To say that they are would be the same as insisting that someone who speaks a different language is stupid, simply because they don’t use the same words we’re used to hearing.  We do, to be fair, need to make certain that our population is educated so that we can have a common language and be able to converse in a way which exchanges ideas and facts accurately.  Any country which does not do so is inviting disaster and insuring a poor economy and the privation of its citizens.  That being stated, it could be also be said that anything worth doing well is worth taking to an extreme.  That seems to be the mantra for our society anyway.  It seems that we have a habit of educating our populace to the point of blindness, focusing on what we think we know to be true, to the exclusion of common sense.  Worse, depending on the region of the country in which we live (or identify with), we tend to label the folks from other areas as unintelligent or uneducated because they use a local vernacular or colloquialisms which don’t roll off our own tongues comfortably.  It is becoming clear to me that nothing could be further from the truth; that it just makes sense to use the language which communicates best to the company with which we are conversing.  This holds true in whichever part of the country or even the world we find ourselves.

I’m sure there are a few “Language Snobs” out there right now who are fuming.  I’ve been in that position myself.  I have told you that I am a stickler.  I want words used and pronounced correctly, too.  It’s just that we live in a world of shifting language.  To deny it would be foolishness.  It has always been so.  To my dismay, a quick check of dictionaries tonight revealed to me that both pronunciations for “nuclear” are now acceptable.  If you don’t believe it, you may check for yourself.  What I am starting to understand, in my advancing years, is that many things are unassailable fact, but language is not one of them.  When I was a child, if I held my hand over a candle, it burned my skin.  As an aging man, if I hold my hand over a candle, it still burns my skin.  Some things don’t change.  Our language does.   

Another one of those things which doesn’t change seems to be our need to disparage people who are different in some way than us or the company we keep.  I remember a day when many white folks in this country hated Martin Luther King Jr.  And, no, I don’t think hate is too strong a word to use.  Today we celebrated the legal holiday dedicated to his memory.  As I read the many short tributes to him in the social media today, I thought back to the day when he was speaking those words to crowds and to reporters.  I won’t repeat the epithets I heard back then, but suffice it to say the people I knew weren’t inspired by his words.  He represented a danger to the life they knew and had grown comfortable with.  Much like Abraham Lincoln, in his fight against slavery a century before, had represented a danger to the life the citizens of this country knew, the future to our parents (and therefore to us) looked unsure and frightening in those days of the civil rights movement.

Change is unsettling.  It is uncomfortable.  It is also inevitable.  It shouldn’t make us lash out, shouldn’t make us rude, shouldn’t make us attack.  I don’t believe that a change in our language is the same as civil rights, but the principals seem to be related.  Sometimes we have to give up comfort and ease to gain progress and to move toward the goal.

I’d like, at least, to be flexible enough to consider moving on up.  I’m just glad it didn’t take a nuculer blast to get me motivated.  You coming?

 “I’ve decided to stick with love.  Hate is too great a burden to bear.”
(Martin Luther King Jr.~American pastor and civil rights leader~1929-1968)

“A new command I give to you.  Love one another.”
(John 13:34)

Horse and Cart

“Dad, why don’t you shut down the store and just sell stuff online?  You can make more money.”  The young man standing in front of me is a bright and knowledgeable high school student.  He remembers the lean years…the times when I wasn’t sure there was any future at all in selling musical items.  That has been the case for most of his short lifetime.  He also knows computers and the Internet; it is the field in which he intends to spend his life.  And, he is right.  There is money to be made in the fledgeling marketplace.  He has the facts on his side and he has seen the very real results of my efforts over the few months previous to this conversation.  How do I respond?

“Daddy, why we don’t see you at home in the evenings anymore?”  The pretty young lady is sitting at the table as we eat supper, right before I head back to the store to work a few more hours.  It is her last year in high school, for all I know, her last year at home…ever.  I readily admit that I have been spending more time at work than ever before.  It has been just a few months since I discovered the online auction marketplace.  It was a wide open market and I waded in, throwing everything I had into selling online.  It was profitable.  It was also time-consuming.  The young lady certainly has a valid point.  What is to be my response to her question?

Life is short.  Our time with our children is even shorter.  While I would have described the first question, the one from the young man, as a “poser”; the second, from the young lady, seemed to be a “no-brainer”, one which required no thought at all.  My children are probably the most important projects I have ever worked on, if I may use such crass terminology.  With my world-view being influenced heavily by my faith and understanding of the Bible, I have always known that a man’s family is of principal importance.  It’s a responsibility given us by our God.  And, knowing that my family needed me to be there for them made the answer to the girl’s question an easy one.  I told her that I would figure out a different time to do that extra work.  I determined that my schedule after that day, until the day the kids really did leave home, would always include time for them.  My evenings remained free from then on.

I told you that the answer to my daughter’s question was a “no-brainer”.  That said, I have spent more than a few hours in thought about it over the last decade.  The thoughts had nothing to do with lost profit and everything to do with people I love.  Did my decision cost me?  That depends on your definition of “cost”.  There was probably less cash in the bank account; most likely even a disadvantage in building a customer base.  The payoff, though…I won’t ever be able to tally that up.  That’s the way it is with some decisions.  If you’re a plus/minus list maker, with the advantages going in one column and the disadvantages in another, I can’t help you there.  This list says family comes first.  Period.  No plus column, no minus column…just the big picture. 

What about the young man’s question?  You know how I answered that, don’t you?  Well…the music store is still going.  Yes, the Internet plays a big part in our business, but the doors are still open to people. Customers are still walking through the door, the phone is still ringing throughout the day, everyday.  I actually made that decision quickly, as well.  You see, not many of us are blessed with a profession which matches our idea of the perfect job, but this is as close as it gets for me.  I really don’t love counting money, don’t care as much as many do about profit or loss, although my banker has convinced me that the former is to be desired over the latter.  I’m certainly not looking to take over the instrument market from the huge Internet sellers.  I do, however, love being able to talk with the people who walk through that door; to provide them with whatever it is they need.  I don’t mind selling them that thousand dollar instrument if it’s what they need, but I’m also learning to be just fine if they walk out the door with nothing in their hands, as long as we’ve had the chance to serve. 

There is a legacy I want to leave to my children and my grandchildren and yes, even to my customers.  I pray that the legacy is not one of grasping for things, or money, or even public regard.  I want to serve…my family…my customers…my God.  And, even though I don’t claim to have learned how to do this to the exclusion of all things selfish, I am finally realizing that living a life of service is actually the way in which we can be completely fulfilled.  I find myself shuddering every time I hear the words, “First, you have to love yourself…”  A life of service always precedes the knowledge of lasting achievement, not the other way around.  “Me first” has never been the mantra of a successful, well-rounded individual, but it has been the lifelong motto of any number of grasping and selfish individuals who live out their lives in fear and suspicion of (and from) the rest of the world.

For many years, I pulled a trailer behind my truck when delivering pianos.  I was never worried while moving forward with the trailer being towed behind the vehicle.  It always followed just fine.  The worry started when I had to back the whole rig up.  The trailer is not a natural leader (thus the term trail-er), wanting to go first left, then right, and frequently, jackknifing to the side of the vehicle.  This is because of the distance from the front wheels, which determine the direction of the whole contraption.  When the guiding wheels are in the front, with the rest of the apparatus following, a straight line is easy to achieve.  The other way around, problems abound. 

The truck pulling a trailer is what comes to mind as I consider today’s quandary(s).  The truck serves, steadily and surely leading the way for the trailer of personal needs following along behind.  Again and again, through my life, I get the trailer leading the way, with disastrous results every time.  Side to side, and around in circles we go, the goal never coming any closer.  Trailers are made to be pulled behind, not to lead.  Some processes just work better when we get the order of things right.

I’m not sure if it makes my kids too happy now, but it is to be hoped that the real inheritance I leave behind is not a pile of cash, hoarded and guarded selfishly, but a legacy which will last a lot longer and do a lot more good.  Time will tell. 

“You can’t get unless you give.  And you have to give without wanting to get.”
(Theodore H White~ English journalist and historian~1915-1986)