Chameleons, we called them (although they aren’t really related).  The little green lizards were quite prolific in the part of Texas in which I spent my formative years.  My mom had a jungle of plants on the screened-in front porch of our home and the green anoles were grateful for the environment.  Like chameleons, they could change color if threatened, but they were limited to shades of green and a few browns.  We were adept at seeing them no matter what their color and would catch and torment them with regularity.  Oh, I don’t mean that we tortured them; they were protected in this environment by the head gardener (and we knew better than to mess with her).  It’s just that no wild creature likes to be caged or held.  They would open their little mouths and snap them shut on our fingertips; all to no avail.  They were powerless against their captors, but eventually, the easily distracted young men would release them to move on to bigger and better pastimes.  Once more the little amphibians were free to move around freely and catch the gnats and flies which also frequented the porch.  I told you that my mom protected them.  She knew that they were harmless and in fact did her a great service, as they eliminated the threats to her precious plants and helped to reduce the number of insects that made their way into the house.   The unique coloration and the ability to change it has served the species well, since it is in no danger of extinction anytime soon.  They’re not super-intelligent, though.  One other trick we would pull on these guys was to hold a mirror in front of the males.  They would often actually try to attack the look-alike in the mirror, sensing a threat in the newcomer. 

I found another chameleon the other day.  The young man brought in the case, shaped oddly enough, like a coffin, which contained the strange creature.  This chameleon wasn’t alive, though.  I opened the case to find an electric guitar which was clearly intended to appeal to the heavy-metal rock crowd.  The extreme angles and sharp points are all, as far as I’m concerned, calculated to hook the young wannabe stars.  It is a well-built guitar, with industry standard construction and all the desirable features.  Hot pickups and a vibrato tailpiece which will either raise or lower the pitch of the strings; lock-downs at the top of the fingerboard to keep said strings in tune as the “whammy bar” is slammed to the guitar’s surface; even the sharkfin inlays on the fingerboard…are all calculated to grab the fancy of the player and induce him or her to spend the eight hundred dollars which a new one will set the purchaser back.  I’ve seen all of those features before.  On this day, the young man needed to sell the guitar and I was agreeable.  This is a guitar which is sure to attract the attention of enough guitar players that it’s worth hanging on the wall, even if the price tag is more than most of them can afford.  Sometimes, you just purchase instruments to have them as a conversation piece, something sure to draw the warm bodies into the store.  As I started to write up the paperwork for the purchase however, I realized that I had a problem.

Our town recently enacted an ordinance which requires all businesses that purchase or trade used equipment to record all such transactions.  It is a little bit of an inconvenience, but more of an embarrassment for me, since I have to ask customers with whom I have done business before (sometimes for many years) to show me a state-issued ID.  At the end of each business day, I must upload a report of all the purchases to a website which shares information with the local law-enforcement agencies.  As I mentioned, this particular guitar gave me a bit of a problem, though.  The form asks for the color of the instrument.  I started to write that it was green.  Then I moved the guitar and decided that it was brown.  But no matter what I did, the color wouldn’t stay the same.  The guitar actually changes color, depending on the angle at which you view it.  Brown, green, yellow, even a little red are all visible in the finish.  As a good friend of mine always says, when faced with a question for which the answer is still not completely settled, “You pays your money and you takes your choice.”  I did a little research and find that the guitar manufacturer actually calls the finish for this little beauty “Chameleon Red”.  I like to describe it as “shifty”.

The real chameleon (and his cousin, the green anole) relies on his coloration and the ability to change it for his very existence.  Lacking any other real protection, the necessity of blending into his environment is absolutely essential.  The coloration of the guitar, on the other hand, is just an interesting subject for conversation.  There is no fundamental imperative for the guitar to change colors; single-color guitars have existed for a long time without the species becoming extinct.

All of which leads me to wonder about the human equivalent of the chameleon.  Oh, you know what I’m talking about.  Most of us have done it at one time or another.  We take on the character of the person or persons we are with.  Party crowd?  We’re the life of the party, telling jokes and fitting in.  Religious bunch?  It is amazing how quickly we can find a scripture verse which is apropos, preferably intoned in a reverent speaking voice.  Sports mob?  I can scream “Kill the ref!” with the best of them (and have done so on several occasions).  We’ve even seen the extreme, and are likely to see a lot more of it in this election year, in the guise of politicians.  These chameleons promise to be fiscally responsible, until they stand in front of a group they need to impress.  Then they promise them the moon…sometimes literally.  It happened, just a few weeks ago.  I’m not picking on the man who did that, but just pointing out the fallacy of the chameleon tendencies in this particular group of people.

But, lest we think that such comparisons make us look better, we need to look in the mirror for a little while.  Hopefully, we won’t attack the person in there, but the changing colors don’t look so fine on us, do they?  We were intended to be who we are, not to try to fit in with everyone we meet.  More than once, I have been gratified when I was able to say, “No, thanks.  That’s not who I am.”  The momentary embarrassment was more than offset by the lack of personal shame in the morning.  It’s a color with which I can live. A time or two, as the crude jokes and lewd talk about wives or girlfriends started, instead of joining in, I’ve had to say, “I’ll see you guys later.”  It wasn’t all that easy, but I can still look the Lovely Lady in the eye and know that I’ve never degraded her in the presence of anyone.  I like that color!  I’m not bragging that I have never played the chameleon, but I can assure you that the times I have stood firm and unchanged are a lot more enjoyable to recall than those other times.

I am not a lizard.  Nor, am I a guitar.  I’m just an aging man who is still learning right from wrong.  And, this aging man is grateful for second chances and for Grace.  I may even be starting to stand out in the crowd.  At the very least, I’m learning to be who I am intended to be.

And, in a world of shifting colors, I’m pretty sure that’s the way it’s supposed to work.

“We are a puny and fickle folk.  Avarice, hesitation, and following are our diseases.”
(Ralph Waldo Emerson~American poet and essayist~1803-1882

“Does a fig tree produce olives, or a grapevine produce figs? No, and you can’t draw fresh water from a salty spring.”
(James 3:12)

“I feel good.  I knew that I would!”  It’s probably not what James Brown had in mind when he penned the lyrics, but it is nice to have a day in which the dipstick for my mental health shows at the “normal range”, instead of seeping down below the “add” mark.  There have been more than a few recent days when the levels were depleted below the safe point.  Today was a welcome bright spot.

The day started out normally enough, with the sun shining bright, which is always a plus in my view.  I checked the obituaries in the paper and didn’t find my name there, so that was good.  Okay, that might have been yesterday, but the feeling of well-being carried over anyway.  The morning passed without any serious complications; no irate phone calls, no poison emails, just normal conversations with customers who were fairly docile. 

Early afternoon brought another bright spot, with a visit from Addison and her mom.  I’ve written before about Addison, whose mother cleans the windows at the music store.  As frequently happens with little girls, Addison has reached the age when she is ready for an education, so I don’t see her much anymore.  Today was a short day at school, so she wanted to come with Mom and visit while the windows were being sparkled up.  Turns out, the windows weren’t the only thing sparkled up by their visit.  As she came through the door, she called out, “I brought you a flower.”  It was really only a weed, but there aren’t many bouquets sold at the florists which would rival its beauty, as far as I’m concerned.  Even tonight, the little purple blooms have completely wilted and lost their charm, but the moment hasn’t lost any of its brilliance in my mind. 

Later in the afternoon, the beautiful weather drew me outside.  I had determined, as the day unfolded, that this would be the day that an old enemy was faced.  Many of you will remember that I had a cycling accident in late summer last year.  I have struggled to make myself throw a leg over the bicycle a few times since then, but my fears wouldn’t allow it.  The accident, with a head injury to go with other, more visible scars, has been one of the most frustrating episodes I can remember.  I still don’t recall what happened, and the lost hours, spent stumbling alone in the darkness, have left me with an unreasonable anxiety about riding again.  Today, I would face that fear.  In the splendor of the warm, clear afternoon, I pumped up the tires of the long-neglected bike, pulled on my helmet, and, sitting astride the scary contraption, pedaled my way down the street.  You think it was a small thing, but even now, my heart is pounding as I write.  It pounded this afternoon, too.  I even shook a little as I rode all of a mile.  As battles go, it is likely to go unreported.  No history books will recount it.  The day may come when I’ll even be a little ashamed that I had such a problem getting back on the bicycle.  Today though, I feel like I can beat any adversary.  I sucked it up and rode! 

After that rush of adrenaline, the afternoon settled into normalcy, or so I thought.  Until the girl and her father came in.  “I’d like to make a payment on my layaway,” the pretty teenager told me.  They’ve been in a few times over the last few months.  Just a few weeks ago, they had to ask me if I could give them a little extra time on the transaction, since the deadline was approaching and it was obvious they wouldn’t meet it.  They explained that their financial situation was deteriorating, due to a work slowdown.  I was happy to allow an extension and expected nothing more than a small payment today.  The young lady took out an envelope and pulled out her payment; one dollar bill after another, until the stack in front of me equaled what she had told me to expect.  I wrote out a receipt, complete with the balance still due, a sizable amount.  Then her dad, with a big grin, looked over at her and told me, “She doesn’t know it, but now, I’d like to pay off the rest.”  Her reaction was classic.  The mouth dropped open, the eyes opened wide, and in an instant, her grin matched her dad’s.  After the instrument was loaded in the car, she came back in, to stand behind me as I worked at the computer.  “I just want to thank you for everything,” the elated girl said.  I didn’t do anything for her, except to sell her a musical instrument she really desired to play.  She and her family had paid the whole price. But I wouldn’t trade the enjoyment at sharing her excitement for anything.  Some days, I love what I do!

The minor victory of successfully repairing the old washing machine tonight hardly merits a mention in the litany of bright spots.  And yet, it brings a feeling of accomplishment to my mind; the exclamation point to an emphatic statement of a day.  It was a day to fill the tank and to revel in feeling good.  I know that there are some who are muttering to themselves as they read this, “But, what of joy?  That’s not dependent of circumstances.  It doesn’t come from feelings.”  I don’t disagree.  I understand the difference.  But, just in case you haven’t noticed, I am human.  And, that means that I am an emotional being; subject to highs and lows; experiencing the full spectrum of feelings that come with changes in circumstances, physical condition, even environment.  The Creator made me this way.  Days like today are gifts from Him, just as the days that test our mettle are.  I am content.

Today, I experienced the enjoyment of a number of different things at work in my life.  There are things beyond the control of anyone, like the weather, which can lift the spirits.  The interaction of people who care about me and show it, as well as the joy of helping others, is something without which we cannot live.  Battles are fought and won.  Goals are reached, bringing a feeling of competence, fleeting though that may be.

On this day, all of these things merged to bring up the level on the dipstick.  It is now as close to the full mark as it has been for a little while.  I’m pretty sure that, unlike the one in my car, there is no caution to abstain from overfilling.  I’ll look for more of the same tomorrow, even if the sun doesn’t show its face.

I may even try to shine a little light in other lives.  It can’t hurt to spread this around…

“Good day sunshine.
I need to laugh and when the sun is out
I’ve got something I can laugh about.
I feel good, in a special way.
I’m in love and it’s a sunny day.
Good day sunshine…”
(Paul McCartney~British songwriter/singer)

“Delight yourself in the Lord and He shall give you the desires of your heart.”
(Psalm 37:4)

“If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow, why, oh why can’t I?”  The final strains of the wistful tune float off into the ether and I, in a black mood, mutter, “What a bunch of hogwash!”  There are some days when dreams have been relegated to the trash bin, and imaginary worlds are nothing but party balloons which have lost their buoyancy and hang, limp, on the floor.  In some ways, on this day, it seemed that even Nature was in cahoots with the mental pattern.  I awoke to bright, sunny skies and warm, springlike temperatures which lulled the spirit into hopefulness, but by afternoon the sun was nowhere to be seen and the dark skies whispered their dreary spells.  Just so, reality has a way of sneaking in and dispelling the fluffy cumulus clouds of hope and fantasy from the sky, replacing them with the dark thunderheads of stark, somber certainty.  In this reality, there are no bluebirds, no “dreams that you dare to dream” coming true.

How did I get here from there?  This is the boy who had finished every “Oz” book by the age of ten.  As an adult, I have read all of the “Chronicles of Narnia” aloud to my own children and have worked my way through the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy at least six times.  I have always devoured fantasy books, reading voraciously about other worlds, other creatures, other realities.  Just so you understand; I’ve never really believed that any of them existed.  I have always had my feet firmly on the ground in the here and now.  I just enjoy the idea of “what if?” and that has continued through the many stages of my life.  The dreams of other worlds, worlds to which one can escape in mere moments, have a fascination and are, in fact, healthy to an extent.  To a young boy, vistas were opened before my eyes that the hot, dusty world of reality could never offer.  There were possibilities, instead of dead ends; potential where there had been only disapproval.  As an adult, the fantasy world offers a respite from the hard, cold realities of the grown-up world. Unpaid bills can be forgotten for an hour or two, failures in the business world fade into the dreams of kingdoms and success beyond the realm of what is possible in real life.

But, for a little while tonight, I find myself calling “foul” and recognizing that the counterfeit world of fantasy and imagination can sidetrack us from the task at hand.  Young ladies await their knight in shining armor, only to find that he is a fraud; merely a figment of the imagination, replaced quickly in a relationship by the unrecognizable bumbling, selfish human being that all of us mortal men actually are.  The fantasy beauty queen that we men envision waking up to each morning for the rest of our lives is also a fraud, hidden behind makeup and mountains of implements necessary to achieve the illusion each day.  That said, when the truth becomes evident on both sides, I’m pretty sure the reality is actually better than the storyline, since we can relate better and, recognizing the shortcomings of each other, better accept our own limitations.

No, the Emerald City doesn’t exist, the Wizard who can grant all our wishes is a humbug, and there are no ruby slippers to be found in all of creation whose heels can be clicked together to take us home.  “There’s no place like home,” is a nice sentiment, but the only way to get there is through.  Through the tough times.  Through the hard work.  Through the desert and sometimes over the mountains.

I’m really not depressed.  I’ve just come to the conclusion that “happily ever after” (at least, in this lifetime) is an illusion which needs to be exposed for the deception that it is.  For all of our lives we have a purpose, at which we must work, to fulfill.  Every day is a continuation of the process, a fresh opportunity to make progress.  Reaching the goals in front of us won’t cause a cessation of the labor, but will lead to bigger and loftier goals.  This is what we were made for!  It is part of our DNA, our destiny, if you will.  The ongoing task is not a disappointment, not a failure on our part to achieve the ideal.  It is the ideal.

I’m pretty sure that I’ll still take a breather occasionally to get lost in a dream world.  Rest and recreation…both are part of our needs as humans.  It does no harm to enjoy the idea of what might be at the other end of the rainbow.  The Irish have speculated for ages; our parents did the same in their time with Dorothy and the Wizard; our children had their go at it with the Muppets.  But, we don’t get to stay there.  If you’ll look carefully at the picture I included above, you’ll see that for me at least, the end of that celestial arch is actually the green-roofed music store at which I labor daily.  Odd how that works out, huh? 

For today, at least, I’m headed along the road to home.  My Real Home.  I hope you’ll travel along with me.  You never know where there will be lions, and tigers, and bears.  Oh, my!

“You can’t depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.”
(Mark Twain~American humorist and author~1835-1910)

“I rejoiced to find some of your children walking in the truth, just as we were commanded…”
(2 John 1:4)

“They killed him.  They just ran him over on purpose.”  The disgust in my father’s voice could almost be taken for sadness.  He had just come in the front door of the house and was obviously unhappy about the event.  We didn’t know what or who he was talking about, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to find out.  There had been no sirens from an ambulance or police car, making it a cinch that he wasn’t referring to a human being.  So, it had to be a beast of some sort.  I’ll admit, ever since Grandpa’s little dog had been run over while in my care, I hated hearing about any animal being hit with a car.  But, I was sure this couldn’t be our dog.  Mitzi was a she, not a he, and I knew the family mutt was safe in the backyard.  And, it couldn’t be a cat.  While there were a few of those around which we kids had adopted, Dad disliked cats generally, and I was pretty certain wouldn’t feel any sadness about there being one less feline in the world.  What in the world could have been killed that would disturb Dad so?

We didn’t have to wait long for the explanation.  “They ran over the bull snake!  It was crossing the road and they ran over it on purpose!”  That’s all it was?  A snake?  Snakes were once plentiful where I grew up…before the urban sprawl took over.  Our house was actually right next to the city limits, and we were surrounded by fields and orange groves at first.  Over the years, that had changed and the neighborhood had been built up.  Subdivisions had sprung up, with new paved roads and manicured lawns occupying the space where once buffel grass and mesquite trees had grown in abundance.  Most of the citrus trees had been bulldozed and on property where the only human activity had come from the farmer’s effort to ensure a good crop (and a few barefoot boys intent on sneaking an orange or two), now children and their pets played in fenced yards.  For the most part, the snakes and lizards, including the ones we called the horny toads, had disappeared; either moving to less tumultuous locales or being killed and dying out as their territory shrank in on them.  The only animals not driven out by the development were the rats and mice who thrived on the food and trash which human beings are talented at leaving behind.  Most of the people we knew were happier with the taming of the landscape and the disappearance of most of the varmints.  Dad was not a member of their club.  For years, he maintained the one and a half acre tract on which our house sat and the two acre lot across the street as a wildlife sanctuary of sorts.  No one was allowed to carry a gun of any sort, not even a BB gun, on the property.  We just didn’t kill animals without a very good reason.

In a way, the two pieces of property, separated by the paved street, were the cause of the episode which distressed my father so much on this occasion.  The huge bull snake enjoyed the hunting on both sides of the road, finding adequate mice and other rodents, perhaps even the occasional bird caught unawares.  On this day, the six or seven foot giant, which looked remarkably similar to a rattlesnake (part of its natural protection) had been crossing the street when a passing motorist noticed it in the other lane.  The enterprising fellow swerved into the wrong lane and ran the evil snake over.  According to Dad, who had been working in the yard, the driver even circled the block and came back for another pass.  Still not sure he had finished his task, the culprit returned for one more insurance run, but by this time, my Dad was out at the road and waved him off.  It was too late.  The big guy was dead.  Dad was disgusted.  He understood the good that a snake like this could do, keeping the destructive rodents away.  He also didn’t understand how someone could be so ignorant as to think it was a good thing to kill such a creature.

The driver, no doubt, thought that he was doing a service to the community.  Anyone could see that the beast was dangerous!  Truth be told, the bull snake is an aggressive reptile, opting often for attacking, rather than retreating.  Its body is marked much like a rattlesnake, and many humans coming upon one in the wild, mistake it as the dreaded rattler for more reasons than just the markings.  The bull snake will often flatten his head to appear as a pit viper (even though it has no venom at all) and form its body in the menacing striking position of a rattlesnake.  It even makes a rattling sound with its breath and shakes its tail to imitate its distant cousin, usually all to the unfortunate snake’s detriment.  The harmless, huge faker is often killed for its trouble, all because some human beings can’t discriminate between an actor and the real thing.  In this instance, the snake killer was likely just doing what he could to keep the neighborhood kids safe, even though he was sadly misguided.

I often wonder if I’m not a lot like that driver.  You may or may not be surprised to know that I have gone off half-cocked on many different occasions.  I like that term “half-cocked”, because it describes exactly what happens.  I believe that I see a problem which needs to be addressed and I’m aggressive about confronting the issue.  But, just like a pistol with a hair-trigger, being handled by an untrained shooter, I’m not sure of my target.  I’m not even sure that there are no innocent bystanders.  I just start shooting as fast as I can and hit everything in my line of vision (and a few things not in it).  I find that I have to apologize a lot.  I’m trying to learn the lesson, but it’s a slow process.  Ask questions first, then shoot; not shoot first, then ask questions.  I’m guessing that all of us take the latter choice at one time or another, but there are some of us who are extremely slow studies and do it again and again.  I’ve killed more than a few harmless snakes in my time.  (You do understand that I’m talking metaphorically, right?)

You see, some snakes need to be destroyed.  When we, and those for whom we are responsible, are threatened with eminent danger, we must be courageous and act.  But, there are also times to slow down and think.  Some snakes can be left alone or perhaps only relocated, gently.  We just need to keep our wits about us and discern the difference. 

I’ll try to keep working on that.  Maybe you can bring along the guidebook to help me to identify the real venomous creatures, as well as the harmless ones.  Are you up for the job?

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
Courage, to change the things I can;
And wisdom, to know the difference.”
(Reinhold Niebuhr~American theologian~1892-1971)

“He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity.”
(Proverbs 21:23)

The message on the screen reads, “Low Battery”.  I have seen it many times before.  Each night, the iPhone goes on the bedside cradle at the same time I slide between the covers.  While I recharge, it does also.  The only problem is that frequently, it runs out of juice before I do.  I have placed too many demands on it; texting, talking, perhaps even playing a game or two while waiting for an appointment.  If I ignore the writing on the wall, or screen, if you will, I do so at my own peril.  Soon, the screen will light up one final time with a warning and then it goes black; refusing to respond again until I give it a period of rest, positioned on the recharging station from which it draws its sustenance.  I couldn’t always tell you why the message appears.  There have been a few days when I don’t remember utilizing the features of the handy little pocket computer all that much.  Other days, I’m amazed at the tasks with which it assists me before I see the reminder that a season of hibernation is in order.  The funny thing is that physically, I operate in a similar fashion.  Oh, there’s no warning notice that anyone can see, but occasionally, the Lovely Lady will make a remark that leads me to believe that she recognizes the final stages of daily exhaustion.  This very evening, as she headed for bed, she suggested that it really wasn’t compulsory for me to post a new blog tonight, a clear message if ever there was one that she knew I needed to hibernate.  A busy morning and an extra hour or two with the grandchildren this afternoon may have played a part in my rundown condition.  I think I’ll take her advice.  Soon.

Events of this weekend have taken their toll emotionally, too.  Like many, I am saddened at the news of the death of the extremely gifted vocalist, Whitney Houston.  Her talent was amazing, with an incredible voice and the ability to move her audience in a way that is rarely seen.  Her story is all too familiar; lack of personal discipline, drug use, abusive relationships, all leading to a downward spiral.   Today, I listened to a few of her old recordings and read more than a few opinions about her passing expressed in the social media.  I’m not sure that I can reason out a lucid and thoughtful opinion of my own, but I do remember writing a post a few months ago about this very thing.  Well, it certainly touched on this issue, although not with any specificity to the artist.  It seems that maybe my “low battery” and my emotional state are coinciding tonight for another encore presentation.  I hope you won’t hold it against me.  I promise a few more original posts later in the week.

“Heavy, Hangs Over My Head”
 
As I was pondering how best to entertain you today, my mind ran through another recent conversation I had with Andrew.  This young man has become quite a musician, finding himself playing a number of “gigs” of late, both by himself and with other, older players.  He has been initiated into the world of performing and so, we talked a bit about the consequences of entering that world.  Over the many years I have performed and talked with others who perform, I have come to a conclusion about performing and performers.  I wondered if this young, un-jaded musician had any thoughts on the matter, only to find that he had come to almost the exact conclusion that I have.  It took me fifty years to puzzle it out, while he has a firm handle on it, being still in his teens.  I must be a really slow study.

Our conclusion?  Performers thrive on attention, perhaps more to the point, on approval.  That’s not really news.  The intriguing (and sometimes sad) part of it is that as we perform, we need more and more of it.  I would describe it as much like a drug, which offers a sense of euphoria, a “high” if you will.  The first few times you perform, the acclaim and the positive reinforcement is stunning.  The feeling cannot be understood until you’ve experienced it.  The sense of accomplishment, of triumph, is palpable.  The next time it happens, the same feeling takes control, and the next time, and the next.  Over an extended period though, something happens.  Actually two things.  The folks who encouraged and slapped you on the back early in the game, now have elevated expectations.  You wowed them for a little while, now they anticipate improvement, with you stretching to a new level as a performer.  The “atta boys” don’t fall from their lips as easily because they sense a need in their being for something bigger and better.  The second thing that happens is that for the performer, the same level of approval isn’t enough either.  We need more…more acclaim, more excitement, more widespread approval.  It’s a vicious circle, drawing both performer and audience into its snare. 

You don’t need the depressing litany of the names of performers…artists…authors…stars, who have succumbed to the demands of the public and, eventually failing to measure up, chosen to find their fulfillment in drugs, liquor, and even self-inflicted death.  The list grows longer daily, and we demand more and clamor for better, all the while tossing aside the gifted human beings who have failed to satisfy our lust for entertainment.  Gifted, did I call them?  How did a horrible affliction like that come to be called a gift?  Is it not rather a great burden instead?

What’s that you say?  Depressing subject?  Oh yes!  I did say I was going to entertain you, didn’t I?  But, therein lies the problem.  What I mean to say is that, at times I see myself here as a performer, providing entertainment for the reward of your acclaim.  But, as I’m reminded (and have reminded you today) of the heavy cost of this mindset, I also realize that, as the Lovely Lady suggested gently to me recently, I don’t write this blog for you.  I write it because I need to – for me, and more to the point, for my Creator.   I don’t mean to be presumptuous.  It’s not my intent to say that God called me to write.  What I do know is that He calls each one of us to do everything, every single thing we do, to the best of our ability and to do it for Him. 

Do you sing? Paint?  Wash windows?  Sell used cars?  Play alternative rock guitar?  Teach?  Fill in the blank yourself.  What you do is important to your Audience.  No, not that audience that demands and screams your name, only to forget you when you can’t wow them anymore.  Our Audience of One knows us, knows our weaknesses and still is well pleased with what we offer.  I’m pretty sure that when we get our priorities straight, that other audience will still be there too.  Only, this time, our performance isn’t dependent on their reciprocation…just on sharing our gifts.  Oh yes…they are indeed gifts, and not burdens. 

So, no pressure…but, I think you’re up next on stage.  Break a Leg!

“Come to me if you’re weary and burdened.  I’ll give you rest…My yoke is easy, my burden,light.”
(Matthew 11: 28, 30)

“Work while you have the light.  You are responsible for the talent that has been entrusted to you.”
Henry Frederic Amiel~Swiss writer~1821-1881)

“I want answers and I want them NOW!”  My father was holding the rusted sledge hammer with a splintered handle in his hand.  I’m pretty sure there were more than a few times when one of the questions he needed answered was, “What in the world possessed me to have five kids?”  This time however, he just wanted to know who the culprit was.  The hammer had been found, tossed into an old utility trailer, seldom used, that sat near the far side of our property.  I was quick to answer the implied question.  “It wasn’t me!” (It is usually the guilty party that speaks first!)  Unfortunately, there was a witness.  When Dad wanted answers (NOW!), no secret was safe.  It was a pretty sure bet that anyone with information would break before too long, and as he went up the line of my brothers, sure enough, one of them had information he was quite willing to share.  “I saw Paul out there with that hammer the other day, right beside the trailer.”  The interrogator’s attention immediately returned to the youngest boy there.  “Is that true, son?”  Well, I was no match for that look…or the accusatory voice.  “Y-y-y-yes…”  The punishment that followed was for both lying, and trying to hide the broken tool, not for breaking the handle. That didn’t make it hurt any less.

Every once in awhile, I myself have a few questions to voice.  The questions are followed up with the same statement my Dad made that day.  “I want answers and I want them NOW!”  Unlike Dad, I don’t always get them.  Perhaps, that’s because I don’t have the authority that he had in that situation.  It isn’t my right to know the answers now.  All I know is that I don’t like not being in control, not having a clue to the reasons that things happen.

For some reason, I have been deluged the last few weeks, and especially in the last few days, with memories of friends and family who are no longer with me.  For most of my life, I have taken death quite matter-of-factly.  After all, the Book says, “It is appointed to man, once to die…”  How much clearer could it be?  So people have died, I have said the right things, and pigeonholed the occurrence and even the emotions.  Over and done.  Problem is, the older I get, the more I realize what has been lost and the more I feel that loss.  I sense the holes which have been left and I realize that nothing will ever fill them.  Even when friends I hadn’t seen for years have died, the hole was left.  It’s not only the young ones I’m talking about, either.  All of them, young and old, have been part of my life and their absence is felt keenly.

T Ray Dickinson (with thanks to Chris Clendenen)

The recent deluge of memories has been motivated in part by friends who are in pain.  The birthday of an old schoolmate yesterday reminded one of her close friends (another schoolmate) that she missed Dorothy intensely.  Yesterday, a blog post by a friend who has struggled for well over a year with the untimely death of one of her best friends served to remind me of just how helpless we are in the face of unanswerable questions; questions for which we demand answers; questions for which no answer will ever come.  A chance photo posted last night of an old friend, who died too young quite a few years ago, brought to mind how much I have missed T Ray and his sense of humor, as well as his love of music.  The list goes on: Susie, Bill, Miss Peggy, my Father-in-law, my grandparents.  Curtis thinks about his son who would have had a birthday this week, now gone for over two years; Wade is lying awake tonight missing his dad who passed away only today.  You, no doubt, have scores of names and faces to add to the list.  And still, my demands don’t evoke any answers. 

It’s not just the passing of loved ones I want explained to me, I want answers about people who are still with us, but who are struggling under massive burdens.  Kim is going through chemo and soon, surgery for breast cancer…Mom doesn’t remember that I visited her a couple of weeks ago and has even forgotten most of the events from my childhood.  John is slowly losing his eyesight and can’t see to work with his hands any more or even to read.  I can’t begin to enumerate the people and trials that belong in this list.  I want to know.  How are any of these things okay, and why are they happening to these good people?

It is in times like these, the times when my mind and emotions run uncontrolled through the past and then dwell unreasonably on the future, wondering if anything will be right with the world ever again, that I am grateful for faith.  Not faith in what I can see…that has failed me miserably.  I can only rest in the strong, loving hands of a Creator who sees the whole picture and not just the tiny little piece of eternity I can view from my vantage point.  He knows that the fabric of eternity is being woven, and sorrow is part of it.  Joy is too.  Life, death, tragedy, celebration…all of them play their roles.  It doesn’t answer the questions, but there is comfort to be found.  When confronted with the death of his close friend Lazarus, Jesus himself wept and was moved deeply.  When He was asked to remove the physical infirmity of the Apostle, God reassured him.  “My grace is enough.”  Our Maker feels the pain, just as we do.  He is moved.  And, one day, He will dry our tears.

Marvin Eck (another one I miss), the pastor who married the Lovely Lady and me, always maintained that we would still cry when we arrived in Heaven, but he also believed that after that, the questions would be answered and our tears would be wiped away, never to appear again in eternity.  I wish I knew if he was right.  He’s finding that out now for himself.  

So, unlike the result my Dad got, the answers will not be forthcoming for me today.  No retribution will be made to right the wrongs.  Generally, things will have to continue as they have…for awhile longer.  I’m sorry that I can’t explain; sorry that I can’t pat your hand and say, “There, there, everything is going to be all right.”  Yet.

We have hope.  And that, for now, will have to do.

“Jesus wept.”
(John 11:35)

“Oh yes, He cares; I know He cares.
His heart is touched with my grief.
When the days are weary, the long nights dreary,
I know my Savior cares.”
(“Does Jesus Care” by  Frank E Graeff)